my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
That accounts for only three of the penises
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
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