hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
