Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
