I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Randomize