I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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