I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
