he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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