God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Randomize
