They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize