Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
