we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
