I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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