i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
