So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
