The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Blow job season was short but glorious.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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