Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
