you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
