He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
