you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I love having hate sex.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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