I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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