that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
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