your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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