I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
