he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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