Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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