dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
two words...techno handjob
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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