went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
