hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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