Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
