My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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