It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
