Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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