the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
