i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
