Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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