the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
