woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
