My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
