just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
babies were throwing up all over the place
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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