Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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