Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
