alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
