my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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