you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
