True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Randomize
