Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
