I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
