If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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