I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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