After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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