Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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