Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
