I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Randomize
