Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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