No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
We have so much sex to catch up on
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Couch. On fire.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize