he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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