I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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