i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
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