He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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