Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
