Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
