I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
