***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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