Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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