they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize