There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
